I normally don’t let people set me up on dates. I like to vet people myself. But a good friend of mine said she had someone perfect for me. Because I respected this friend, I told her: put us in the same room and I’ll do the rest.
We met at a cookout this past summer. She looked good. She was smart. I invited her out for drinks.
I remember sitting across from her on that first date, realizing halfway through the appetizer that she wasn’t my type. Nothing dramatic—she was fine, just not it. Then it got bad.
She asked me why I was single. I told her most of my life had been about building community, taking care of my family, and serving in the military—which isn’t exactly the best setting for finding love. I sent the question back to her. She didn’t hesitate: “All my exes are narcissists.”
I can’t make this up.
In that moment, I knew she wasn’t for me. Later, I did the research I should’ve done before the date and looked at her Instagram. It was nothing but complaints about men, captions about “never settling,” and posts demanding more and more. How narcissistic of her.
What the Science Actually Says
That date stuck with me, not because she was unusual, but because it revealed something bigger. Everybody’s calling everybody a narcissist now. But actual narcissism is rare.
The Cleveland Clinic says only about half a percent to five percent of people meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The American Psychiatric Association says it’s closer to one to two percent. A massive national survey once put the lifetime prevalence at 6.2 percent. Even at the high end, it’s nowhere close to the way people throw the word around on Instagram or TikTok.
So what’s happening? It’s not that everyone suddenly became narcissists. It’s that online culture rewards people for performing the traits—grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy—without them actually having the disorder.
Psychologists call this “grandiose narcissism,” and yes, it correlates with online behaviors like selfies, follower-chasing, and image curation. A 2018 meta-analysis found a correlation of ρ = .17—not huge, but significant. Still, newer studies suggest the link may be fading, because by now everyone uses social media in a way that once looked narcissistic. What used to stand out as arrogance or attention-seeking has just become the norm.
Cosplay vs. Reality
That’s why I call it narcissist cosplay. Online, people play a character: the flawless “10,” the one who demands everything, the one who dismisses the opposite sex as broke, weak, or giving the ick. It’s not their true self. It’s a persona that performs well in the attention economy.
Offline, those same people are more complicated. They split bills. They laugh at themselves. They show kindness and vulnerability when the cameras aren’t on. The mask slips, because in real life you can’t survive on cosplay alone.
But from the male perspective, the disconnect is jarring. You scroll your feed, see nothing but entitlement and superiority, and it feels like every woman is the same. It’s easy to believe the hype and check out of dating altogether.
A Message to Men
That’s exactly what we can’t do.
They say men aren’t dating anymore. And I believe part of that is because too many of us confuse the online performance with reality. We see the cosplay and assume that’s how women are, full stop. We excuse ourselves from dating before giving real women a chance.
Don’t.
Because the truth is, women love us. They need us. It’s just not popular to say that out loud online. The algorithms don’t reward humility, empathy, or partnership—but those things are still happening offline every day. If you only look at the mask, you’ll miss the person behind it.
Final Thought
Yes, narcissists exist. But they’re rare—closer to two percent rare, not half the population. What’s far more common is the performance of narcissism online: curated, exaggerated, attention-seeking personas rewarded by likes and clout.
So maybe the question isn’t: “Am I dating a narcissist?”
The better question is: “Am I dating a person—or just their cosplay?”
Sources
- American Psychiatric Association. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? psychiatry.org
- Cleveland Clinic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). my.clevelandclinic.org
- Stinson, F.S., et al. (2008). Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder. J Clin Psychiatry. PMC2669224
- Gnambs, T. & Appel, M. (2018). Narcissism and Social Networking Behavior: A Meta-Analysis. J Pers. PubMed 28170106
- Frederick, C. et al. (2021). Narcissism and Social Media Usage: Is There No Longer a Relationship?Portfolio.erau.edu PDF